Healing in a relationship.

“Let’s cross over”

• Eat Pray Love

Often times when it comes to writing, it’s usually a song that invokes things I feel I need to say. I haven’t written in A YEAR. I went from writing every single moment or heartache on here to keeping it all tucked far far deep within me.

I often wrote about love from a perspective of a girl who thought it was all so dreamy and that I knew exactly how I would be if I ever got in a relationship.

boy was I wrong.

Here’s a recap:

The month after the last blog I posted, I actually started talking to someone. It was very unexpected to be honest. One night funny enough after coming home upset from a friends get together after a boy I really wanted things to work out with had blocked me on in Instagram, I received a new requested DM…

It was a very lengthy DM of this sweet sweet boy trying to introduce himself and shoot his shot.

In all honesty I read that and my heart melted but I did not think anything could come from that.

Thinking nothing really of it, I slowly started messaging him everyday and we began sending each other songs. It was becoming something I looked forward to every day

The playlist I made of most of the songs he sent me:

https://spotify.link/8lCWsMjtayb

We talked everyday for two months and when I came back from Europe, we had decided to meet up. The first date was soooo nerve wrecking, I felt so pathetic being 23 and never been on a date.

Before I knew it we decided to start dating on the second date after having one of the worst panic attacks.

I mean sobbing in his bed feeling all the emotions.

Before we had even hit our one month I started to realize really unhealthy patters I created. The only thing I ever knew how to do was run and shut people out. I slowly started putting walls up and having toxic patterns I had swore I would never do. Yet it seemed like week after week I was doing this. I would push these feelings so deep down and cry for hours. I would cry so much in the first couple months.

I truly fought love.

It began a never ending cycle that I’m still trying to fix.

I always joked about all my issues, I grew up begging my father for love and still being denied.

( I mean literally pretending to not know me.)

Constant times I would get dropped off and he would forget about it and I would be stranded waiting for him to show up and calling him over and over until he would shut his phone for the month and I wouldn’t hear from him until the next time he was drunk knocking on my moms door, and she always let him.

I swore I would never allow toxic men to enter over and over but sometimes I find myself realizing patterns I am doing that stem from all of their issues and it makes me mad because I swore I would do things different.

In my relationship there is so much love but there is also so much forgiveness.

I love the man I have chosen to be my partner and the communication him and I have is so special.

I love my sweet cancer boy.

He is so gentle and kind, but sometimes our broken backgrounds clash and I begin to spiral at the first sight of hurt and rejection. I often feel so horrible for having these episodes where I want to shut him out and he wants nothing else but to help and help me through the process of it all. I have quite literally let these problems lead to not being together and trying to separate and end things, despite knowing I love him so much and he is my person.

I was a very naive girl when it came to love. I thought I had read all the books about love and swore I had done enough work on myself but I was wrong. I am learning what it is to feel secure and safe in a relationship.

In this process of it all, I have come to learn to have a gentle love

In its most cheesy way, I love being cheesy with him. It was something I used to have a hard time with. I couldn’t even hug him when we dated or hold his hand because I never really did that.

Yet now I want nothing else but to be wrapped in his arms.

The truth is relationships are going to hurt but they’re also going to heal small parts of you.

Timothy has shown me what it feels like to be loved and I mean in my most vulnerable.

The part of me that believed no one could love her.

I rejected love in every sense, from my parents, friends, and to now my partner.

I’m in a state of trying to learn and heal from it all, my partner is not my father. He won’t leave me stuck in a restaurant waiting for him or shut his phone off for months.

He is not against me but wants nothing but the best for me

he will see me break down and somehow heal these small things I hate about myself.

Karen. 💌