The Love Letter I Deserve.
When I opened up my notes app this morning I had all these words I was going to write of all the ways I felt heartbroken over all the failed talking stages.
That is a lot of The Divine Twenties, and although those letters were needed
I realized I think for once I deserve the words.
I can write a million times over men and how they make me feel.
A lot of it ends up in being hurt.
So here’s one I will write about me because I think for once I deserve all the words and love.
It’s taken me a lot of years, tears, and hitting rock bottom for me to feel worthy of anything. At first I thought the heartbreak would break me and yes I would be lying saying it didn’t hurt
until I realized how no one has been there for me the way I have showed up for myself.
I spend so much time putting men on these pedestals and thinking that I am only worthy when THEY tell me I am.
I can only be pretty if THEY think I’m pretty.
I can only be deserving of love if THEY think I am.
So many moments have I placed my worth in the hands of others. I have failed myself in many of these talking stages and even though I’ve been met with heartbreak once again. I know it wasn’t because I wasn’t deserving of love.
I know a lot of my insecurities stem from the young girl in me, and I hurt with her because I am still there with her.
Often times I seek the approval of men
Why? because it has stemmed from young me fighting for her dad to love her.
The rejection hurts because it started as a young girl.
I replay my dad rejecting me to my face over and over.
It has never left me.
It’s like I’ve been stuck there for years.
I’ve lived a lot of my life alone an only child
Keeping it all in.
Dealing with traumas I have yet to even speak on.
but there’s one thing I will be forever be proud of
and it is the time and effort I have shown up for myself.
I have showed myself how strong I am.
So many times have I been left to pick up all of the hurt.
So many times did I think I could not make it out
ALIVE
When it is 3AM and my world is spinning and I begin to tell myself how I will never be happy.
I will never live a life worthy of anything.
I have been the only one to get myself out of it.
No man has EVER done that for me
And with that I will forever pride myself in that.
I am worthy of a life of happiness and love and I will continue fighting for myself and it does not matter how many times I’m met with doubt.
In this lifetime I deserve to feel like I am worthy
because I am.
I don’t need to feel as if my worth is met with how others see me.
If I loose the right amount of weight will they love me?
If I maybe don’t talk about my emotions as much as I do?
If I’m not too sensitive will they maybe not be afraid?
So many questions I’ve asked myself time and time again.
But for once there’s one thing I am certain of.
No amount of weight loss, quietness, and attractiveness makes me less then.
The words of loved ones that speak so highly of myself in ways no man could ever.
In ways that I fight for myself no man could ever.
In ways that I have sat with myself, cried with myself, and have been proud of the words that I have written no man could ever.
I am reminded how gentle I am,
How kind I am
How loving I am
How brave I am
How many people feel comfort in sharing with me because I have chosen not to pretend like life is all about the good times.
The good times are only good because of the work I’ve done to get myself out of the bad times.
So yes maybe I’ve gone through another failed talking stage and yes it might hurt for a bit
But how great is it to know I am able to realize no amount of validation from anyone will ever change from the fact that I am worthy
No one could ever give me more then I can could give myself.
So this time it is different,
It is a million lover letter to myself
and a reminder how I am ENOUGH.
and how great it is to be ALIVE.
Xx,
Karen.