It’s Time To Accept Myself.

I spent a lot of time hating myself,
Hating the body I was in for always making me sick,

Hating myself for feeling too much - being sensitive.
Hating myself for the anxiety, the depression, the never-ending days I spent in bed, asking myself why I couldn’t just get up and do something.
hating myself for how much I weighed.

I still hate myself on days, but I think as I’ve been growing into the person I am I’ve realized how much this body has carried me through. It’s gotten me through Viruses, panic attacks, and never-ending breakdowns.
It is all I have.
I only have myself at the end of the day. I can play a role and act a certain way in front of the whole world and the internet but at the end of the day, I have to look at myself in the mirror and be okay with the person I see looking right back at me.
I think I often fill up the voids I have of hating myself with pouring so much of me into other people. I give sosososoosos much love out to those around me and leave myself to fend for myself, alone.
In the moments of silence, you see who really shows up for you.
And it has always been ME.
I make myself feel better, I watch all the movies I know I can to make myself try to feel better. I am in control of my life. I’m learning to accept myself for all that I am.

The rollercoaster of emotions, the body I have, and the person I am becoming.
I think a lot of the time I feel like the worst person in the world and I’m truly not.
I’ve also gained so much weight this quarantine on top of always being on the bigger size and seeing all those new stretch marks just makes me want to cover up and never leave my house.

Lately, it’s been a lot of “oh god, what if I see people I know and they will see I’ve gained some weight.”
why do I care? I know I will lose the weight, and even that aside I am worthy of love at any weight. My weight has no worth over who I am or if I am worthy of love.
Which I am.
I am worthy of love just for the sake of being alive.
Sometimes it’s still so hard for me to even say it and believe it:

I AM WORTHY OF LOVE.

ok, now you try it...
still waiting........

It feels good, doesn’t it?

This body got me through a PANDEMIC. THROUGH HAVING COVID. THROUGH LOWS IVE NEVER SEEN.

It met me and got me through all of it.
trying to love and accept myself for all of it.
The weight, the emotions, the body.
It feels good.

It has created a sense of peace in trying to get to know myself, knowing that between now and death I will have this body to carry me through all the good moments, new expierences, and even on the bad days I will have myself to get myself together and go from there.

Lets learn to accept ourselves and love ourselves.

See you next friday @ 12:00 PM ( I will probably be a little late, but I’ll have something out)

Karen.