My Self Sabotage.

Lately, I’ve been feeling weird. I’m in between my lowest and my highest.

The in-between.
This is the place that scares me. It’s feeling my highs so high I feel invincible. Like this is all okay and I have nothing to worry about, but it’s also waking up the next and feeling like my world is falling apart... again.
I’m in the place of my life where I have accepted that this is the rest of my life. It’s really sad to feel like you aren’t in control of your emotions and your life. I went on medication for a bit, then came off of them and I’m at the point where I probably have to start taking them again.
I can’t tell you how awful it feels to know that you can’t even control parts of your life and am overtaken by my anxieties and my depression.

I self-sabotage really bad, I want to be alone all of the time. I don’t want to see my friends, I don’t want to go to the store. I don’t want to be anywhere but in my room, sleeping.
I don’t want my friends or anyone to see me at my lowest so I distance myself in hopes of trying to “fix myself” but the reality is, the more I try to gather myself and do that. I fall into a worse depression because I miss the moments.
I see the pictures of all my friends getting together and get upset because I wasn’t invited or wasn’t there out of my own decision.
I don’t blame them.
I blame myself for always wanting to fix myself before stepping out of my house
I blame myself for the isolation.
I blame myself because these should be the best moments of my life.
I blame myself because I am wasting TIME.
I don’t really allow people IN.
And I mean the bad,

The crying,

The thoughts,

The anxiety.

I would rather just run and hide, alone.
It’s really hard convincing yourself that you are worthy of enjoying life and experiencing relationships like friends. I often think my friends deserve someone who doesn’t have as many issues as me.
Someone who can show up for them.
It’s really hard trying to convince yourself to step out of your house because you feel like your anxiety is going to literally destroy you.
I can’t even wait in lines that is how bad I’ve gotten. I shake when I am around too many people.
I even stop myself from dreaming about doing things because I tell myself I literally can’t.
The reality is that I am always self-sabotaging myself

and it’s sort of taken over my life.
I’m trying to get out of it but I don’t know how.
I wish I could end this week’s blog with something positive but I’m learning to be transparent.

I truly believe that I have to get to a point in my life where I have to be honest.
Honest with myself,
And honest with others.

See you all next week.
Karen.