The Realization
It has been so long since I wrote on here, It makes me emotional.
I started this blog at the lowest points of my life. I was unemployed, alone, and extremely depressed and for those 3 months straight I didn’t see much outside of my 4 walls or off this screen if I’m being honest. There were a lot of blogs that were never published and it took me a long time to even open up this page again. It was on the back of my mind and a lot of things needed to change in order for me to be at the place I am now.
Since my last blog post, I have felt my emotions fluctuate but some big moments have happened…. I went to therapy consistently, I am now 6 months into taking my antidepressants that have truly changed my life, I was also diagnosed with Bipolar 2 and began taking that medication and have truly felt SO much better. It almost feels like I can truly try to understand myself and my mind a little bit more. I often spent so much time angry at myself for all these problems going on but with answers, I feel more acceptance around it all and can feel like I am able to be a little kinder to myself for realizing it is not my fault. My lows were rock bottom and my highs made me feel like I could do it all. It was some of my best days but then it all became a cycle. A never ending cycle
and although some really positive and big moments have occurred, I also had hit rock bottom more times than I can count. That’s the thing with depression and anxiety no matter how much progress you get, one day it will sneak up and those are the hardest times and it almost feels like I get stuck there and can’t find a way out.
the realization of a playlist that kind of sums up how I felt in November. I wanted to include it so what I can’t write you can feel.
Within the last couple of months,
you see I have never been in love but I had felt some sort of heartbreak, not only with myself but with the expectation I felt with finding love. I learned a lot of myself in the month of November. I realized how much attachment I had towards those dreams of getting together with someone I had very strong emotions with, the thing though was I really truly did not know that person. I knew the expectations of that person and all the possibilities I had come up with of that person in my mind. The constant feeling of hopefulness and getting these small signs showing that this person still thought of me maybe through all these years. I was so much in my head with all the what ifs it truly was causing so much self hatred with myself. So many thoughts of not feeling good enough, pretty enough, or worthy enough.
I wrote this in the middle of all those emotions. It was when I finally felt like I was able to move on with my life:
“I think I’ve written enough love letters for others but fail to see how much I am worthy of deserving these things.
I spent a lot of my time seeing my worth in my job, in love, in my weight, in exterior things yet really failed to realize those things do not describe the real me. The me inside that is able to truly pick herself up. The girl who is able to push herself past the many times I’ve hit rock bottom.
I asked the universe to deliver and she did.
She reminded me how worthy and loved I truly am.
How capable, strong, and the right to choose my life. Experience it and live it.”
The realization out of all of this was the ACCEPTENCE. The acceptance in forgiving myself, the acceptance in the fact that I may not have been able to follow that timeline 15-year-old had set for myself. Acceptance in the fact that once I loose that expectation of who I am supposed to be, who I end up with, and where I expected myself to be in my mental health that is where I find my purpose, my peace in this whole thing called Life. That is where I find myself in the middle. I once wrote about feeling like I was stuck in between my anxiety driven self and my younger self. Two people at war, the other trying to forgive herself for it all.
I feel at peace with it all. I think in the moment I don’t see the journey it all takes me through. More times then often I think I wont survive it.
yet here I am
every time.
2022 is the year of acceptance.
Where I meet myself in the middle and learn to forgive myself.
Here is the realization.
With Love,
Karen.