Rejecting Love.

Hi!!!!!!!
In my true SATC vibes, I just had to add that scene of Miranda because I don’t think I’ve ever related more to a character then her
both afraid of love and so sure it isn’t mean for us.
(although I hope it ends well with me as well)

I’ve really tried to sit with myself in this topic lately as I turn 23 in 3ish months.

which holy shit??? 15-year-old me would be so shocked I haven’t dated. I had this timeline of being married by 23. Crazy to think we set these stupid expectations in our lives that we feel are needed to happen in our twenties.

Now the questions is,

why do I run away from love? Why do I self sabotage? Is this my way of not allowing myself to truly be happy?

I’ve felt my entire life that I’ve been destined to be alone. Ive always felt like friendships and loved ones are what can keep me afloat and truly make the most impact on my life. I’ve come to terms with it. I can say truthfully that coming to terms is a lot better then continuously breaking your heart over getting your hopes up and then running and sabotaging it.
The weird thing is I’m a huggggeeee sucker for all romcoms and all things love. I truly LOVE love. I mean movies like letters to Juliet, me before you, Love, Rosie make me sob so much and make me get all jittery about it all.

It makes me tear up, get butterflies, and truly just feel happy for those who get to experience it.
but why when it happens to me, why do I convince myself I am not worthy of it?
the thought of being vulnerable in a relationship, showing my worst, and going against all odds that that person does not break my heart is so terrifying it leaves my anxiety self just wanting to be alone and never allowing anyone to see me where I often find myself.

A mess.

but at least a mess only I get to see.

I’ve always correlated being the problem with not being able to have luck with dating or actually going through with a date. I’ve always said it was me who was the problem because how does it feel like the entire world has either been in love or have had love and I’m just here…..
I’ve grown up my entire life seeing divorces, my father breaking my moms heart over and over, and simply seeing the reality of the mess love can have. I mean it’s gotten to the point I truly don’t believe relationships are able to truly stick it out.

I also have the WORST attachment issues, I get really attached to the thought of someone and it becomes fun and for a moment I think, “hey, maybe this is it. This is the moment I have a breakthrough and really accept it for all it’s good and bad.”
and even those attachments scare me. The thought of actually fully being in love and seeing how much that will truly break me.
and because of that, it can only last so long before I tell myself all of the million problems I have.
I’m selfish, I’m insecure, I self sabotage every bit of my life and even begin to make excuses to stay comfortable just being alone.
being alone is my safe space.

I can put myself through the worst of worst but why does someone else have to go through that all for the sake of “love?”
why do I have to be selfish in that way and allow for someone to deal with every problem I have.
I’ve got to thinking a lot today over people who have done so many big and amazing things like getting married or having kids and it got me to thinking that both of those things are things I’ve never really ever been able to see for myself. If you know me I’ve always said I would always be single and that’s kinda where I feel. I just honestly am scared of the judgment and can’t fathom being close like that, especially in relationships. I’ve ran away so many times from it and every little mistake or bad day I have I justify that and tell myself well if you were dating someone they would see you like this.

A mess.

I’ve learned that although I share a lot of my emotions on here, I really don’t. There’s a lot of parts I hide out of fear. So I’ve dreamed of that fairy tell wedding but only with the idea and I know people always say well that’s what everyone says but truly I don’t see it. I can’t imagine being in love and apart of me things it’s with my lack of affection that it honestly makes me get defensive about all of it. It’s a sad feeling but also comforting. Sometimes we let our anxieties create these patterns to just have us feel comfortable.

not dating is comfortable. It saves me from anxiety. One of the worst anxieties I have surrounds dating and being in a dating setting.

However, I hope that is not my reality and one day by some weird coincidence or thing allows me to truly be okay with not rejecting love and allowing myself to it all.

But for some reason I can’t help but feel like this lifetime was meant to teach me to be alone.

I guess the conclusion is I reject love becauseI’m afraid of love. I’m afraid to have people see me in a vulnerable state and that keeps me away from dating.

am I never going to find love and be happy?

Is there ever going to be a perfect time?

a specific mindset I have to achieve to allow love?

who knows.
I think for now I have a lot of unraveling of trauma I have to face around love and why I don’t feel deserving of it.

-

Karen.