Healing in a relationship.

“Let’s cross over”

• Eat Pray Love

Often times when it comes to writing, it’s usually a song that invokes things I feel I need to say. I haven’t written in A YEAR. I went from writing every single moment or heartache on here to keeping it all tucked far far deep within me.

I often wrote about love from a perspective of a girl who thought it was all so dreamy and that I knew exactly how I would be if I ever got in a relationship.

boy was I wrong.

Here’s a recap:

The month after the last blog I posted, I actually started talking to someone. It was very unexpected to be honest. One night funny enough after coming home upset from a friends get together after a boy I really wanted things to work out with had blocked me on in Instagram, I received a new requested DM…

It was a very lengthy DM of this sweet sweet boy trying to introduce himself and shoot his shot.

In all honesty I read that and my heart melted but I did not think anything could come from that.

Thinking nothing really of it, I slowly started messaging him everyday and we began sending each other songs. It was becoming something I looked forward to every day

The playlist I made of most of the songs he sent me:

https://spotify.link/8lCWsMjtayb

We talked everyday for two months and when I came back from Europe, we had decided to meet up. The first date was soooo nerve wrecking, I felt so pathetic being 23 and never been on a date.

Before I knew it we decided to start dating on the second date after having one of the worst panic attacks.

I mean sobbing in his bed feeling all the emotions.

Before we had even hit our one month I started to realize really unhealthy patters I created. The only thing I ever knew how to do was run and shut people out. I slowly started putting walls up and having toxic patterns I had swore I would never do. Yet it seemed like week after week I was doing this. I would push these feelings so deep down and cry for hours. I would cry so much in the first couple months.

I truly fought love.

It began a never ending cycle that I’m still trying to fix.

I always joked about all my issues, I grew up begging my father for love and still being denied.

( I mean literally pretending to not know me.)

Constant times I would get dropped off and he would forget about it and I would be stranded waiting for him to show up and calling him over and over until he would shut his phone for the month and I wouldn’t hear from him until the next time he was drunk knocking on my moms door, and she always let him.

I swore I would never allow toxic men to enter over and over but sometimes I find myself realizing patterns I am doing that stem from all of their issues and it makes me mad because I swore I would do things different.

In my relationship there is so much love but there is also so much forgiveness.

I love the man I have chosen to be my partner and the communication him and I have is so special.

I love my sweet cancer boy.

He is so gentle and kind, but sometimes our broken backgrounds clash and I begin to spiral at the first sight of hurt and rejection. I often feel so horrible for having these episodes where I want to shut him out and he wants nothing else but to help and help me through the process of it all. I have quite literally let these problems lead to not being together and trying to separate and end things, despite knowing I love him so much and he is my person.

I was a very naive girl when it came to love. I thought I had read all the books about love and swore I had done enough work on myself but I was wrong. I am learning what it is to feel secure and safe in a relationship.

In this process of it all, I have come to learn to have a gentle love

In its most cheesy way, I love being cheesy with him. It was something I used to have a hard time with. I couldn’t even hug him when we dated or hold his hand because I never really did that.

Yet now I want nothing else but to be wrapped in his arms.

The truth is relationships are going to hurt but they’re also going to heal small parts of you.

Timothy has shown me what it feels like to be loved and I mean in my most vulnerable.

The part of me that believed no one could love her.

I rejected love in every sense, from my parents, friends, and to now my partner.

I’m in a state of trying to learn and heal from it all, my partner is not my father. He won’t leave me stuck in a restaurant waiting for him or shut his phone off for months.

He is not against me but wants nothing but the best for me

he will see me break down and somehow heal these small things I hate about myself.

Karen. 💌

The Love Letter I Deserve.

When I opened up my notes app this morning I had all these words I was going to write of all the ways I felt heartbroken over all the failed talking stages.

That is a lot of The Divine Twenties, and although those letters were needed

I realized I think for once I deserve the words.

I can write a million times over men and how they make me feel.

A lot of it ends up in being hurt.

So here’s one I will write about me because I think for once I deserve all the words and love.

It’s taken me a lot of years, tears, and hitting rock bottom for me to feel worthy of anything. At first I thought the heartbreak would break me and yes I would be lying saying it didn’t hurt

until I realized how no one has been there for me the way I have showed up for myself.

I spend so much time putting men on these pedestals and thinking that I am only worthy when THEY tell me I am.

I can only be pretty if THEY think I’m pretty.

I can only be deserving of love if THEY think I am.

So many moments have I placed my worth in the hands of others. I have failed myself in many of these talking stages and even though I’ve been met with heartbreak once again. I know it wasn’t because I wasn’t deserving of love.

I know a lot of my insecurities stem from the young girl in me, and I hurt with her because I am still there with her.

Often times I seek the approval of men

Why? because it has stemmed from young me fighting for her dad to love her.

The rejection hurts because it started as a young girl.

I replay my dad rejecting me to my face over and over.

It has never left me.

It’s like I’ve been stuck there for years.

I’ve lived a lot of my life alone an only child

Keeping it all in.

Dealing with traumas I have yet to even speak on.

but there’s one thing I will be forever be proud of

and it is the time and effort I have shown up for myself.

I have showed myself how strong I am.

So many times have I been left to pick up all of the hurt.

So many times did I think I could not make it out

ALIVE

When it is 3AM and my world is spinning and I begin to tell myself how I will never be happy.

I will never live a life worthy of anything.

I have been the only one to get myself out of it.

No man has EVER done that for me

And with that I will forever pride myself in that.

I am worthy of a life of happiness and love and I will continue fighting for myself and it does not matter how many times I’m met with doubt.

In this lifetime I deserve to feel like I am worthy

because I am.

I don’t need to feel as if my worth is met with how others see me.

If I loose the right amount of weight will they love me?

If I maybe don’t talk about my emotions as much as I do?

If I’m not too sensitive will they maybe not be afraid?

So many questions I’ve asked myself time and time again.

But for once there’s one thing I am certain of.

No amount of weight loss, quietness, and attractiveness makes me less then.

The words of loved ones that speak so highly of myself in ways no man could ever.

In ways that I fight for myself no man could ever.

In ways that I have sat with myself, cried with myself, and have been proud of the words that I have written no man could ever.

I am reminded how gentle I am,

How kind I am

How loving I am

How brave I am

How many people feel comfort in sharing with me because I have chosen not to pretend like life is all about the good times.

The good times are only good because of the work I’ve done to get myself out of the bad times.

So yes maybe I’ve gone through another failed talking stage and yes it might hurt for a bit

But how great is it to know I am able to realize no amount of validation from anyone will ever change from the fact that I am worthy

No one could ever give me more then I can could give myself.

So this time it is different,

It is a million lover letter to myself

and a reminder how I am ENOUGH.

and how great it is to be ALIVE.

Xx,

Karen.

Online Dating.

Ahhh! Online dating, my favorite thing to do to seek any sort of validation from men.

This is what you could say is my Lara Jean moment. The love letters with all imagination but no real action.

Recently I’ve tried to do the whole 30 dates in 30 days and well that has turned into a joke. I have yet to even go on one date…. Not only because do I have the worst anxiety just thinking about having a random guy sitting across from me and talking about such boring things.

But can online dating even lead to an actual relationship?

I feel like at this point I’ve thrown my whole life and dating stories on social media and I’ve never been more thankful that a lot of these men do not follow me. (Anymore)

But everyday I am reminded why I should not provide any socials to any person due to things like this. My Snapchat friends know about it all. I’ve even come up with nicknames. It’s modern day bachelorette as some could say except for basic men that I still somehow get too attached to.

I’ve never been one to fully go through a whole week on any dating app because it gets so frustrating having men ask the most bizarre questions that you realize that’s why they’re on dating apps. (No shade, that’s why I’m on there too)

Just last week I had a guy full on asking me about my sex life, if they could come over to my house, and who I lived with.

Not to mention the request for nudes (yikes)

Shoutout to Cris who deleted me off everything because I left him on read.

I respect the hustle.

This boy does not deserve a nickname, so Cris is in fact his name.

Cris was HOT but also was so nice because he just wanted to fuck. There’s nothing a man won’t say to try to get in bed with you.

However, it wasn’t the first time I got such bizarre questions. How could I forget the guy that asked me for a ride (TWICE) to his interview after talking for one day and getting upset because I told him I can’t. That didn’t keep him from asking me AGAIN while I was out with a friend but that time asking for a ride for his friends and him.

The saddest thing about this one was I still let him speak to me after.

I guess you could say this is truly a to all the boys I never met with but still allowed them to stay around and gave them too much of my time.

I could talk shit about many more men but there’s 2 men I think really had potential.

There’s the original boy who has the official designated name as bumble boy who I matched with after another failed talking stage. Bumble boy you could say still has potential but little to no effort is shown. I do not fault him though because to be fair I tried to convince myself at first that I wouldn’t get interested in him. Yet here we are. I think bumble boy is the only boy I’ve ever actually had the balls to just go for it.

Do I think though that this could go anywhere?

I say it’s 50/50

This one I can’t talk too much about because he actually might read this

So hey!

Then there’s a boy I call A.

A showed me all the interest in the world and actually asked me out like fairly quick. The thing is I’ve kind of ghosted A. He was the only one I’ve felt like has truly been direct. He is very sweet and into all the things I like. However, I’m going to be honest I wasn’t really feeling it and well he’s still waiting on my response. (Im sorry) Im horrible at this online dating thing because I overthink too many of these men and slowly start ghosting because well I’m INSECUREEEE.

Also because to be honest bumble boy excites me and I hate to put myself on blast because I’ve probably done all the things to act like I wasn’t THAT interested but, hey bumble boy. I am!

And to the final guy, who actually I feel like was ready to propose after like one day.

With him it was over with before I could even give him a name. This one I actually did soooooo dirty. I did in fact deserve the block. This man messaged me a novel so fast and I just didn’t respond and he actually made ALL the effort down to the time and date he was ready to meet up with and I just didn’t care if I’m honest.

Yet somehow I still texted him even when I was bored.

So this I guess you could say is my apology letter to you because I actually think you’ll check my instagram again.

I deserve all the anger towards me.

With all the men I’ve encountered though I am always so reminded how I could fall for any generic man that just pays me any attention. I mean even with bumble boy do I even actually like him or just like attention?

I truly praise nice men because I’m not used to it. I was reminded that with dating you can’t really have an expectation but I always do.

I daydream about all of the what ifs and get so over my head, So even with all the men i’ve talked shit about..

I’ve probably put you on my top list at one point.

So will I continue to do 30 dates in 30 days?

I think yes.

Will I break my heart over a basic boy? Yes.

Would I do it again? For the validation, yes.

I’m going to end this off with just saying if you also want to be apart of my 30 dates.

Let a girl know,

My dms are always open.

and if you are in my DM’s and I haven’t answered I am so sorry.

But I truly think online dating does have potential I’ve met some sweet men that truly deserve all the great things. I’ve seen friends and family find their one through online dating.

So maybe honestly it’s just me.

I just wanted my Lara Jean moment because all I do is daydream and write about men all the time.

This whole blog has turned into all my dating fails and mistakes

So why not continue to do all of that while trying to somehow see if I can find a relationship amongst all these men.

Xx,

Karen.

Rejecting Love.

Hi!!!!!!!
In my true SATC vibes, I just had to add that scene of Miranda because I don’t think I’ve ever related more to a character then her
both afraid of love and so sure it isn’t mean for us.
(although I hope it ends well with me as well)

I’ve really tried to sit with myself in this topic lately as I turn 23 in 3ish months.

which holy shit??? 15-year-old me would be so shocked I haven’t dated. I had this timeline of being married by 23. Crazy to think we set these stupid expectations in our lives that we feel are needed to happen in our twenties.

Now the questions is,

why do I run away from love? Why do I self sabotage? Is this my way of not allowing myself to truly be happy?

I’ve felt my entire life that I’ve been destined to be alone. Ive always felt like friendships and loved ones are what can keep me afloat and truly make the most impact on my life. I’ve come to terms with it. I can say truthfully that coming to terms is a lot better then continuously breaking your heart over getting your hopes up and then running and sabotaging it.
The weird thing is I’m a huggggeeee sucker for all romcoms and all things love. I truly LOVE love. I mean movies like letters to Juliet, me before you, Love, Rosie make me sob so much and make me get all jittery about it all.

It makes me tear up, get butterflies, and truly just feel happy for those who get to experience it.
but why when it happens to me, why do I convince myself I am not worthy of it?
the thought of being vulnerable in a relationship, showing my worst, and going against all odds that that person does not break my heart is so terrifying it leaves my anxiety self just wanting to be alone and never allowing anyone to see me where I often find myself.

A mess.

but at least a mess only I get to see.

I’ve always correlated being the problem with not being able to have luck with dating or actually going through with a date. I’ve always said it was me who was the problem because how does it feel like the entire world has either been in love or have had love and I’m just here…..
I’ve grown up my entire life seeing divorces, my father breaking my moms heart over and over, and simply seeing the reality of the mess love can have. I mean it’s gotten to the point I truly don’t believe relationships are able to truly stick it out.

I also have the WORST attachment issues, I get really attached to the thought of someone and it becomes fun and for a moment I think, “hey, maybe this is it. This is the moment I have a breakthrough and really accept it for all it’s good and bad.”
and even those attachments scare me. The thought of actually fully being in love and seeing how much that will truly break me.
and because of that, it can only last so long before I tell myself all of the million problems I have.
I’m selfish, I’m insecure, I self sabotage every bit of my life and even begin to make excuses to stay comfortable just being alone.
being alone is my safe space.

I can put myself through the worst of worst but why does someone else have to go through that all for the sake of “love?”
why do I have to be selfish in that way and allow for someone to deal with every problem I have.
I’ve got to thinking a lot today over people who have done so many big and amazing things like getting married or having kids and it got me to thinking that both of those things are things I’ve never really ever been able to see for myself. If you know me I’ve always said I would always be single and that’s kinda where I feel. I just honestly am scared of the judgment and can’t fathom being close like that, especially in relationships. I’ve ran away so many times from it and every little mistake or bad day I have I justify that and tell myself well if you were dating someone they would see you like this.

A mess.

I’ve learned that although I share a lot of my emotions on here, I really don’t. There’s a lot of parts I hide out of fear. So I’ve dreamed of that fairy tell wedding but only with the idea and I know people always say well that’s what everyone says but truly I don’t see it. I can’t imagine being in love and apart of me things it’s with my lack of affection that it honestly makes me get defensive about all of it. It’s a sad feeling but also comforting. Sometimes we let our anxieties create these patterns to just have us feel comfortable.

not dating is comfortable. It saves me from anxiety. One of the worst anxieties I have surrounds dating and being in a dating setting.

However, I hope that is not my reality and one day by some weird coincidence or thing allows me to truly be okay with not rejecting love and allowing myself to it all.

But for some reason I can’t help but feel like this lifetime was meant to teach me to be alone.

I guess the conclusion is I reject love becauseI’m afraid of love. I’m afraid to have people see me in a vulnerable state and that keeps me away from dating.

am I never going to find love and be happy?

Is there ever going to be a perfect time?

a specific mindset I have to achieve to allow love?

who knows.
I think for now I have a lot of unraveling of trauma I have to face around love and why I don’t feel deserving of it.

-

Karen.

The Closure

There are moments and people in your life that you often feel like were made to happen or come into your life in order for you to move on and close a chapter of you life.

Forgiving yourself for all the wrong you did and acknowledging all the hurt and pain someone caused you and learning to let go of the person in you that had any sort of attachment towards them.

Acknowledging my mistakes and the pain I must have caused them as well.
I have never been one to want revenge, it is not in me.
However, I wanted to put myself first for the first time and not allow for anyone to break me more then I felt like I was.
I blame myself a lot for the way things must have ended and having someone feel like they weren’t wanted when that is far from the truth but at one point you have to realize that you can only tolerate so much before you start truly loosing yourself.

I can loose you but I can’t bring myself down with you.

I often tell people how much I felt like I was giving in order to keep even a part of this person. Everyone told me to run and deep down I knew but I’m still thankful for what I was able to learn.

I am at peace knowing I can not continue loosing sleep and breaking my heart and it is ok to move on and realize some things just simply aren’t meant to be.

that is life.

I hope to see myself happy.

if anything this journey has taught me growth is possible and help me understand how much love I can show to the person I am meant to be with. I’ve always said I could never see myself in a relationship but I think I’m finally open to it.

I hate that sometimes I make you out to villain when your calm voice speaks to me so gentle. It’s almost like you know how sensitive I am. You are not at fault. We are two people trying to navigate life and figuring ourselves.
I may never know what your intentions were or if you ever truly cared for me

but you did hurt me,

but I hurt you as well.

I thank you for being gentle. The chase was one I was familiar with, it was all I ever knew.

I do not blame you, ever.

my heart will never allow me.
I don’t know if you’ll ever read this but if you do,

You know who you are.

I hope you are able to grow a happy and peaceful life.

Im finally ready to learn to move on.

It’s a rollercoaster of constant feelings

but I’ll be ok.

you’ll be ok.

All my love,

Karen.

The Realization

It has been so long since I wrote on here, It makes me emotional.

I started this blog at the lowest points of my life. I was unemployed, alone, and extremely depressed and for those 3 months straight I didn’t see much outside of my 4 walls or off this screen if I’m being honest. There were a lot of blogs that were never published and it took me a long time to even open up this page again. It was on the back of my mind and a lot of things needed to change in order for me to be at the place I am now.

Since my last blog post, I have felt my emotions fluctuate but some big moments have happened…. I went to therapy consistently, I am now 6 months into taking my antidepressants that have truly changed my life, I was also diagnosed with Bipolar 2 and began taking that medication and have truly felt SO much better. It almost feels like I can truly try to understand myself and my mind a little bit more. I often spent so much time angry at myself for all these problems going on but with answers, I feel more acceptance around it all and can feel like I am able to be a little kinder to myself for realizing it is not my fault. My lows were rock bottom and my highs made me feel like I could do it all. It was some of my best days but then it all became a cycle. A never ending cycle

and although some really positive and big moments have occurred, I also had hit rock bottom more times than I can count. That’s the thing with depression and anxiety no matter how much progress you get, one day it will sneak up and those are the hardest times and it almost feels like I get stuck there and can’t find a way out.

NOVEMBER: THE REALIZATION

the realization of a playlist that kind of sums up how I felt in November. I wanted to include it so what I can’t write you can feel.

Within the last couple of months,

you see I have never been in love but I had felt some sort of heartbreak, not only with myself but with the expectation I felt with finding love. I learned a lot of myself in the month of November. I realized how much attachment I had towards those dreams of getting together with someone I had very strong emotions with, the thing though was I really truly did not know that person. I knew the expectations of that person and all the possibilities I had come up with of that person in my mind. The constant feeling of hopefulness and getting these small signs showing that this person still thought of me maybe through all these years. I was so much in my head with all the what ifs it truly was causing so much self hatred with myself. So many thoughts of not feeling good enough, pretty enough, or worthy enough.

I wrote this in the middle of all those emotions. It was when I finally felt like I was able to move on with my life:

“I think I’ve written enough love letters for others but fail to see how much I am worthy of deserving these things.
I spent a lot of my time seeing my worth in my job, in love, in my weight, in exterior things yet really failed to realize those things do not describe the real me. The me inside that is able to truly pick herself up. The girl who is able to push herself past the many times I’ve hit rock bottom.
I asked the universe to deliver and she did.
She reminded me how worthy and loved I truly am.
How capable, strong, and the right to choose my life. Experience it and live it.”

The realization out of all of this was the ACCEPTENCE. The acceptance in forgiving myself, the acceptance in the fact that I may not have been able to follow that timeline 15-year-old had set for myself. Acceptance in the fact that once I loose that expectation of who I am supposed to be, who I end up with, and where I expected myself to be in my mental health that is where I find my purpose, my peace in this whole thing called Life. That is where I find myself in the middle. I once wrote about feeling like I was stuck in between my anxiety driven self and my younger self. Two people at war, the other trying to forgive herself for it all.

I feel at peace with it all. I think in the moment I don’t see the journey it all takes me through. More times then often I think I wont survive it.

yet here I am

every time.

2022 is the year of acceptance.

Where I meet myself in the middle and learn to forgive myself.

Here is the realization.

With Love,

Karen.

It’s Time To Accept Myself.

I spent a lot of time hating myself,
Hating the body I was in for always making me sick,

Hating myself for feeling too much - being sensitive.
Hating myself for the anxiety, the depression, the never-ending days I spent in bed, asking myself why I couldn’t just get up and do something.
hating myself for how much I weighed.

I still hate myself on days, but I think as I’ve been growing into the person I am I’ve realized how much this body has carried me through. It’s gotten me through Viruses, panic attacks, and never-ending breakdowns.
It is all I have.
I only have myself at the end of the day. I can play a role and act a certain way in front of the whole world and the internet but at the end of the day, I have to look at myself in the mirror and be okay with the person I see looking right back at me.
I think I often fill up the voids I have of hating myself with pouring so much of me into other people. I give sosososoosos much love out to those around me and leave myself to fend for myself, alone.
In the moments of silence, you see who really shows up for you.
And it has always been ME.
I make myself feel better, I watch all the movies I know I can to make myself try to feel better. I am in control of my life. I’m learning to accept myself for all that I am.

The rollercoaster of emotions, the body I have, and the person I am becoming.
I think a lot of the time I feel like the worst person in the world and I’m truly not.
I’ve also gained so much weight this quarantine on top of always being on the bigger size and seeing all those new stretch marks just makes me want to cover up and never leave my house.

Lately, it’s been a lot of “oh god, what if I see people I know and they will see I’ve gained some weight.”
why do I care? I know I will lose the weight, and even that aside I am worthy of love at any weight. My weight has no worth over who I am or if I am worthy of love.
Which I am.
I am worthy of love just for the sake of being alive.
Sometimes it’s still so hard for me to even say it and believe it:

I AM WORTHY OF LOVE.

ok, now you try it...
still waiting........

It feels good, doesn’t it?

This body got me through a PANDEMIC. THROUGH HAVING COVID. THROUGH LOWS IVE NEVER SEEN.

It met me and got me through all of it.
trying to love and accept myself for all of it.
The weight, the emotions, the body.
It feels good.

It has created a sense of peace in trying to get to know myself, knowing that between now and death I will have this body to carry me through all the good moments, new expierences, and even on the bad days I will have myself to get myself together and go from there.

Lets learn to accept ourselves and love ourselves.

See you next friday @ 12:00 PM ( I will probably be a little late, but I’ll have something out)

Karen.

My Self Sabotage.

Lately, I’ve been feeling weird. I’m in between my lowest and my highest.

The in-between.
This is the place that scares me. It’s feeling my highs so high I feel invincible. Like this is all okay and I have nothing to worry about, but it’s also waking up the next and feeling like my world is falling apart... again.
I’m in the place of my life where I have accepted that this is the rest of my life. It’s really sad to feel like you aren’t in control of your emotions and your life. I went on medication for a bit, then came off of them and I’m at the point where I probably have to start taking them again.
I can’t tell you how awful it feels to know that you can’t even control parts of your life and am overtaken by my anxieties and my depression.

I self-sabotage really bad, I want to be alone all of the time. I don’t want to see my friends, I don’t want to go to the store. I don’t want to be anywhere but in my room, sleeping.
I don’t want my friends or anyone to see me at my lowest so I distance myself in hopes of trying to “fix myself” but the reality is, the more I try to gather myself and do that. I fall into a worse depression because I miss the moments.
I see the pictures of all my friends getting together and get upset because I wasn’t invited or wasn’t there out of my own decision.
I don’t blame them.
I blame myself for always wanting to fix myself before stepping out of my house
I blame myself for the isolation.
I blame myself because these should be the best moments of my life.
I blame myself because I am wasting TIME.
I don’t really allow people IN.
And I mean the bad,

The crying,

The thoughts,

The anxiety.

I would rather just run and hide, alone.
It’s really hard convincing yourself that you are worthy of enjoying life and experiencing relationships like friends. I often think my friends deserve someone who doesn’t have as many issues as me.
Someone who can show up for them.
It’s really hard trying to convince yourself to step out of your house because you feel like your anxiety is going to literally destroy you.
I can’t even wait in lines that is how bad I’ve gotten. I shake when I am around too many people.
I even stop myself from dreaming about doing things because I tell myself I literally can’t.
The reality is that I am always self-sabotaging myself

and it’s sort of taken over my life.
I’m trying to get out of it but I don’t know how.
I wish I could end this week’s blog with something positive but I’m learning to be transparent.

I truly believe that I have to get to a point in my life where I have to be honest.
Honest with myself,
And honest with others.

See you all next week.
Karen.

Dealing With Imposter Syndrome.

I spent so much time getting this website together, with no knowledge of any of this.

It was something I was so excited to start and so happy to have something that is all mine.

However, I can’t even tell you the number of times I have started writing and just given up halfway. I’ve been doubting myself and truly questioning if this is something I can even do. I sit on social media and see other’s express themselves and their words in ways that I feel I can never do. I’ve been wondering if doing all of this is even worth it? Will I reach people? Do people even care about anything I’m saying?

I’m trying to learn, to be honest, I feel like I am not worthy of having a website that will potentially even reach anyone just because I feel like there are already people who do it so well, and what do I bring?

Sometimes I don’t even know if it’s the self-sabotage or if I’m just realizing what others possibly think which is, “what is this girl even doing?” and in that, I don’t even know how to answer that.

I spent so many years writing my emotions in the best way I knew how to deal with my MDD or anxiety and somewhere along that I lost inspiration, I doubt myself and I don’t know how to go from here.

One day I started a template of the book I had always dreamed of writing, all with topics I felt have shaped me into the person I am and the words I wanted people to resonate with and never even finished it.

why?

because there are books that have done it better. What does a twenty-one-year-old girl from Washington have to say that’s any better than what a successful poet hasn’t already?

I’m trying to get that spark back I had where I didn’t care about any of that, and I’m trying to remind myself that even if no one in the world cares about what I am saying or if none of it even makes sense that writing will always be a way I choose to release all emotion and a way in which maybe even one person will resonate with it.

From here on, I will post on Fridays at noon.

See you next week.

What Do You Do When It All Goes Wrong?

First and foremost I want to thank everyone who checked out the website or even just clicked to check it out, it means the world to me. I had spent so much time wanting and wondering what it would be like to have something that is all mine and I finally do and it feels like this is something I was meant to do. It’s a full-circle moment.

As exciting as this launch was and how many months I spent coming up with the idea and the podcast to The Divine Twenties, my life in real life was falling apart. I became very ill a couple of days before Christmas and after having a temperature of above 101.5 I decided to go get tested and in less than 24 hours I had the results on Christmas day…. DETECTED. I had COVID.

I spent Christmas and what felt like an eternity inside my house quarantining with my mom and I thought my trip to Mexico being canceled due to having COVID would be the worst thing to happen to me, but days before returning back to work I decided to text my boss to let her know I would be coming back to work as I had planned and there I received the message: “Hi! I’m glad you are doing better and cleared! Unfortunately business has not picked back up yet so we are still really short on hours.”

I had lost my job.

I have never felt more anxiety in my life before, my heart quite literally sank reading that message. I’ve had a job for the past 5 years of my life nonstop. I stayed up that whole night trying to figure out how on earth I’m supposed to overcome this. How I’m supposed to pay for rent and my bills. I was so afraid to tell my mom because I knew she would be disappointed in me, I had already left the job I had that paid me well, and that she loved out of being in the worst mental state the last 2 years I had spent there.

Now, it’s been almost two months since I’ve had a job. I have genuinely never felt more alone, more afraid, or more of a failure in my life and that is the honest truth. I am an unemployed 21-year-old and every time I say it really doesn’t feel real.

I should be graduating right now or figuring myself out and I’m nowhere near. I didn’t know how much this would break me and boy was I in for a treat.

For the first couple of days I was doing okay, I was reading those books I had been putting off, finishing The Divine Twenties website but I would quickly realize how alone I would be in this journey because amidst a pandemic I had no structure and I would go days just sitting on my computer trying to apply to new jobs or just doing anything to fill my mind from how alone this all is. I did pretty good and was actually so surprised at how I was coping until I slowly started to realize how many days I wanted to just stay in bed not wanting to reach out to my friends or putting off things that I would try to write in my planner for me to do but then one day it hit me and the truth is I haven’t been able to overcome it.

I’ve been trying to ask myself the question: “what do you do when it all goes wrong?” because quite literally I do not know. I’ve tried to fill myself up with all the inspirational quotes on how sometimes you’re given these moments to overcome something and I’m hoping something comes out of this, but I also can’t ignore how awful these last couple of months have been, and how I have yet again hit rock bottom.

Losing my job is something I had never prepared myself for, not physically and definitely not financially.

I will be okay and that is what I am trying to remind myself but I’ve always had my education or my job determine my worth. I took those things to remind myself that maybe I could do something with myself so when it was all taken from me and I was left alone with my thoughts and days just passing by I quickly realized how much growth I have left. I don’t know how to go from here.

Do I pick a different career path? Do I settle for the crappy job at the expense of my well-being?

What do you do when it all goes wrong?

The honest truth is I do not know.

Karen.

Hello!

Hello World!

It has been so long since I’ve decided to share my words with people all over the internet. I almost feel 15 again with doing all of this again. I’ve always said how the only way I could ever express myself has been through words. I pour out my heart to my loved ones through words, but also write to myself in the darkest of times. I grew up an only child so the only way I could comfort myself or process things has been through journaling or putting it on a google document. The Divine Twenties was created by the constant issues I face in my twenties whether it be from the dating apps to the constant identity crisis I have. I hope this is a place for others like myself that face constant battles.

Welcome to my Twenties.

I’m so excited to begin this journey with all of you.

All my love,

Karen.